Government discovers new motivational method.

Not Just like the video game

The government confirmed with immediate effect its new proactive policy.

"Mark Prisk has warned towns halls that have submitted rival bids to form local enterprise partnerships covering the same area to 'sort themselves out' or face being left behind by their neighbours." Source Regeneration and Renewal

Oh sure sounds reasonable enough right?  But you trying saying that to your kids in front of people " sort yourself out or I'll leave you in the car park"...

Planning Department Mergers heading for the Rubbish Tip?

Proposals to merge Planning and Waste Management departments have been met with enthusiasm by officers and uncontrolled rage by consultants.


As reported in the Planning Magazine (@planningmag) plans for cost savings within local government are coming on a pace:

Speaking at the Conservative Party conference this week, communities secretary Eric Pickles told delegates that councils should share services and work across boundaries to drive down costs.

Three Magnets has talked to inside sources within the coalition government and can confirm that serious proposals are on the table to merge planning and waste departments within and across local councils.

Planning Apps from Developers being 'processed'

The cost effectiveness is amazing, with alarming regularity policy documents are having to be thrown out as Government policies flip-flop between 'localism', 'bigsociety' and 'who the hell cares?' initiatives.   This enables those departments to effectively and efficiently throw out unnecessary bureaucratic, red tape and paper work.

Of course planning departments would now ideally be located next to recycling centres, waste incinerators or landfill sites.   Which will due to the low rents be perfect for the council who still has departments that it directly employs...

Planners have welcomed this news as a way to quickly reduce the number of times they need to empty their bins.   One Planner Officer has been quoted as saying:

Now when nasty planning applications come in from developers we can get the courier to deliver it straight to waste management department, rather than it sitting on my desk for ages.

Of course this has enraged some Consultants working for major developers who worry that their applications are destined for the tip and miss a dusty filing tray or dustbin on planning officers desk completely.   A representative of all consultants everywhere was quoted as saying:

This is a disgrace, it looks like I'm going to have to submit applications via the Planning Portal and attaching each document one by one!  This will take months for your average mixed use development...  

Whilst the details have yet to be ironed out our sources are almost positive that we'll be seeing more Planning Waste (PlanWa) departments in the near future.

Conservatives solve the #housing crisis.

Planners have been increasingly concerned over the lack of suitable family housing provision in the UK.   The scrapping of Regional Spatial Strategies (RSS) and the gaping policy void left some Local Planning Authorities running around trying to justify their housing figures.  

The message to Planners across the UK today is don’t worry the Government does have a plan...

The Poor - Aren't there a lot of them?

The Conservative’s view that poor people shouldn’t have so many damn children should come as no surprise to most of us.   After all it is their fault that they are poor.   Capping family benefits thus miraculously stopping poor people who don’t believe in contraception is a master stroke.  Stop the breeding of the poor and desitute solves the future housing crisis overnight.

  

Now to deal with the current housing problem:

All you have to do is combine the above with the news that David Cameron has been speaking about his ideas for an UK Peace Corp.   

Brilliant:

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced plans for a new government programme that will allow disadvantaged young people to take part in volunteering projects overseas.

Deportation to dangerous places where the UK poor can live like kings, with any luck most won’t return to fill up all those house we’re not building any more...

Genius.

Latest Government Policy: Kill Nature (especially if it's close to humans)

"Nature, yuck!"

Further to this article on the Planning Blog about spending on plant pots, Three Magents has ‘dug’ a little further.   It turns out that this first ‘shoots’ of a change at the very ‘root’ of government spending has been so successful that DCLG’s plant ‘pot’ pilot scheme is to be em-‘bedded’ within the coalition government’s environmental and planning policies.

A government spokesman was quoted as saying:

Basically we’ve discovered that killing off plants saves us money, so we’ve taken that idea and run with it ... what this means is that we will encourage the destruction of forests and green spaces here in the UK and cover them with concrete (thus creating jobs).   We’ve already been lobbying our friends at the UN to make this part of the a global initiative

The spokesman also had this to say about National Parks:

Nature, yuck!

Whilst these policies are effectively at seedling stage Eric Pickles has been quoted as saying that he hopes to “let the saps leave Government”.   Of course we will have to start looking at different names for any signs of economic recovery as ‘green shoots’ might give people with the wrong idea...

Exclusive: Approved #LEP map spotted at #CPC10

New GIS investment pays off..

Our reporters at the Conservative Party Conference finally managed to sneak a photo of the finalised map of the proposed and controversial Local Enterprise Partnerships.

Eric Pickles was quoted as saying that "everyone loves puzzles"

This news of course goes against previous statements by Francis Maude in which he said "If I had a plan, it would be the wrong plan."

Well Mr Maude you're wrong you do have a plan and its a child's toy.

Wrong again Boris: bike thefts put hire scheme into chaos!

We count 10 bikes Boris....

Three Magnets can confirm that the London bike hire scheme  (aka Boris Bikes) is in chaos as organised gangs steal bikes for jaunts about the countryside.  

Contrary to the Planning Magazine's twitter operator that reported:

Boris Johnson claims only three bikes stolen so far from cycle hire scheme

We can now exclusively confirm that this is simply not the case.   Our Home Counties reporter painted this image as bikes from the scheme were taken out of London by theives and vagabonds...